Uncomfortable Conversation
by Working-On-Sanity
Summary: Dave was in no mood to tolerate the childish taunts from trolls. Today, he would just humor carcinoGeneticist. Dave hardly imagined teasing a temperamental troll could be so entertaining. One-sided Dave/Karkat. Suggestive Humor.


**Note: **Haha. I'm getting into _Homestuck _now. To be honest, I didn't think I'd like it. But I do. I absolutely love Karkat. And Gamzee. And Tavros. And Dave. I love almost all the characters, and consequently, I have a lot of ships. But I think DaveKat is my favorite.

Anyway, remember when Tavros tried to troll Dave, but Dave turned the tables by being really flirty? I did a parody of that. Basically, I used the same conversation, but twisted it to fit Karkat. So now Karkat trolls Dave and Dave drives Karkat batty by being suggestive. Ha. This is mainly practice for me, so I can get more involved in these characters.

* * *

Dave had remarkably little patience for trolls. He always had been rather curt with the childish idiots, but he dismissed his rudeness toward them by insisting he simply couldn't tolerate them. They somehow managed to bother him at the worst of times, and one frequent harasser succeeded again today.

The sky seemed to blaze with tiny chunks of flaming rock. That certainly was abnormal. Dave leaned out the window and watched the clouds turn hazy brown. The acrid scent of smoke lay heavily in the air. Dave stifled a cough and ducked inside just before a fiery boulder plummeted into his lawn.

"Bro's probably not gonna like that." Dave glanced down. The meteor was burning an ugly black hole into the lush grass, and rolls of smoke billowed from beneath it.

With a sigh, Dave trudged through his cluttered room. He slogged through a pile of old records and plopped onto his bed spreadeagled. _Wonder when Rose's gonna get online. _Frankly, waiting for Rose's response to his message was tiresome. He rolled over, crushing a cassette tape beneath him, and closed his eyes.

_Bleep. Bleep. _

Dave flopped to his side and bolted upright. Had he fallen asleep? For how long? He clumsily flipped off the bed, the mattress springs creaking sharply, and tripped his way over a tangle of wires.

Collapsing in his desk chair, Dave splayed his fingers over the buttons on his keyboard and habitually logged into Pesterchum. A long list of usernames scrolled down the screen. Dave scanned them listlessly. The names of his friends were blank, signifying they were currently busy. Dave frowned while the list of nicknames continued trailing. The only username with a "pester" option was _carcinoGeneticist. _

Dave rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses and began to shut off the program when a task bubble popped onto the screen. "CarcinoGeneticist is pestering you," it read.

_He sure is. _Dave shook his head. In disgust, he tapped the "enter" key and sagged further into his chair.

"Hello, human scum," carcinoGeneticist said. The capital letters screamed silently. "All of your human companions are too preoccupied to answer your urgent calls. I bet that makes you feel oh, so important, does it not?"

Dave endured far too much these pathetic attempts at stirring an argument. Had anyone else been online, he would have blocked carcinoGeneticist, but in all honesty, Dave was bored out of his wits. Unwillingly, he bent over the keyboard and clacked out a sarcastic reply.

"You type like a raging maniac."

The retort came practically before Dave sent the message.

"Yes? You type like a grub. A little baby grub. Grow a thinking glob and learn to punctuate correctly."

"Wow," Dave said. He clicked the keys in rapid succession. "That was really weak. I'm getting tired of wasting my good comeback material on you losers. It's like... you've got _nothing. _All I ever hear is one of you guys sprouting up and squealing about how hard I'm about to get trolled. But there's no ensuing substance. You don't even know anything about us. One of you freaks thought I was a girl."

CarcinoGeneticist replied promptly. "Your anatomical details do not concern me in the least. I know what you've done. Or, actually, what you are _going_ to do. And it is terrible."

"Sorry," Dave said. "I wouldn't _do _anything with you, dude. Not now, and not any time in the future, either. So don't go getting your hopes up."

A pause stretched on, and Dave felt satisfied. _Took less time than I thought to deter that punk. _He pushed away from the desk, but just then a chime sounded to alert him of carcinoGeneticist's response. Dave wearily scooted closer and read the bold gray type.

"Wait. You're the one who always spews these innuendos, are you not?" said carcinoGeneticist.

"Human innuendos," Dave said.

"Yes... human innuendos," carcinoGeneticist said reluctantly.

"So..." said Dave. He thought, then continued. "At what point in the future am I supposed to look forward to you whipping up this titanic urge to see my gorgeous face and plaster yourself onto my insanely attractive body?"

"What on your ugly green planet is that supposed to mean?"

"Be honest with me," Dave said. "Because I'm a busy guy, and I want to know when to clear space in my schedule for a good thirty minutes with some desperate halfwit."

Slowly, carcinoGeneticist's words crawled onto the screen. "Should I be disturbed by these suggestions?"

"No, man, no," Dave said. "Look, I just need to know when to be there. You know, when the stars align and your morbid urges become uncontrollable, and you feel that you absolutely _must_ quench your greed for pubescent boy."

"This conversation is beginning to alarm me."

"You must be the worst troll in history," said Dave, merely to miff carcinoGeneticist.

"Thank you for that wonderful compliment," carcinoGeneticist said sourly. "Now, if you are finished blathering, please excuse me. I'm sure there are other people you would like to bombard with your disgusting human fantasies."

"Oh, no," said Dave, typing quickly before carcinoGeneticist could disconnect from the server. "No, dude. You sassed me. You asked for this. We're in it deep, now. Together. You and me. All the way."

Dave expected an angry and verbose reply, but all he received was a blank "What?"

"You and I, we're, like, entrenched in all this business. You and me, my man. Welcome to my world. Now, grab my hand and shimmy yourself into my lap so we can get to know each other better before Charlie gets here."

"Forgive me for asking, but who is Charlie?"

"Oh, he's the guy who's gonna read us our vows. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling pretty stinking matrimonial all of a sudden. Look down, my man. Look down. You see that? That thing beneath your feet? That's the ground. And the only thing harder than that is––"

"_Stop._"

"––how hard my heart beats when I think of you. I'm your fireplace, bro, and I'm just waiting for something _hot._"

"This is getting extremely uncomfortable," carcinoGeneticist said.

"Bro, look way into my eyes," said Dave. "You see that twinkle? That's the twinkle of utter devotion. I am putting everything into this relationship, dude. That's devotion you see, sparkling like the tooth fairy. Pure and true, my man. That's what you see; a kaleidoscopic supernova of all your hopes and dreams and fantasies swishing together. Imagine us. _Us. _This isn't a joke. This business is real."

Dave sent the wordy paragraph with a grin. Instantly, an activity log rose onto the screen.

_CarcinoGeneticist [CG] has disconnected._

Dave leaned back and smirked, crossing his arms behind his head. He knew how to handle obnoxious trolls. Sadly, he knew how to keep them coming back for more. Trolls could learn a few things from Dave Strider.

* * *

**Note: **I had to tame it down from the original. Not as effective, but hey. DaveKat!


End file.
